Slow day. (AKA Emo post)

Yesterday was a bit foggy. After lunch a migraine started to kick in bad. Even with a pile of advil, after cycling through some intense periods of nausea I went home early, leaving the car-pool coworker on his own to find a way home.

Bless Sue. I had been chatting with her via IM and from a few short messages she knew what was up. When I got home she was ready at the door, took my bag from me, and sent me up to the already darkened bedroom to crash.

My body turned off for a few hours, and when I woke back up I was still having the post-migraing visual effects and the feeling of being put in a trashcan and kicked down the stairs. A little food and a lot of liquid later, I was feeling more normal and shuffled around the house.

While at the dentist today, my mind wandered. I had forgotten that in that first year you move somewhere, you get every cold and then some. Our first year out here had Sue and I hit very hard with colds and the flu on both seasons. It’s been relatively quiet for a while now, so a sudden bug with a migraine was a bit o a surprise. I suppose the good news is it passed fast, like I used to have colds fast and be past them in PA or VA.

Oh, speaking of the dentist, I had the cleanest fangs of the day. Go me! Though apparently I drool like a dog in a meat market. She about had to leave the vacuum hook in my mouth the whole time. It makes you wonder if this is a talent I could use for financial gain. Perhaps I shouldn’t be daydreaming about Sue so much….

Things right now just seem… better. So much is tenuous in the job market, of course. But for the last 3 or 4 years I’ve been constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, or been having to be combative with bosses performing illegal actions, or having my house broken in, or been worried about losing my home, etc.

To be honest, it’s made it very hard for me trust people. I look back on the friendly and trusting person I was in and after college and sometimes wonder why the hell I am not there anymore. Why am I so reserved.

There’s a darker side. If it is someone in authority who is being friendly, I don’t believe them. I find myself constantly checking for knives at my back. Even when it is in places that make no sense, like, music.

About a year ago, I looked at all this trouble and pain and basically yanked the table-cloth off the whole buffet. I formally and firmly left Anthrocon. I closed doors on bad social situations. I quit several consulting streams. I rearranged my home life for a new start.

Like peeling back the soil of a badly weeded garden, and trimming back the long standing trees, it’s taken a year but it’s bearing fruit. Even with all the scars and trouble, I’m happier more often. Sue’s business seems to be seriously getting traction under it. I find myself doing things for me that I haven’t in years: arranging music, writing stories.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed. I don’t think that life needs to be bitter, and I don’t think that I have to be.

I’ve got no plans for FC. I’ll be there probably one or both of the weekend days. I think I might try and hunt Farix and Frang down for some drinks. But for once I’m going to try and be a little Taoist and just watch whatever happens, bitter or sweet, and enjoy it for the fun it is.

7 Responses to “Slow day. (AKA Emo post)”

  1. tracerj says:

    I’m glad things are healing up.

    The trust thing… yeah. It’s hard not to be really, really bitter about a whole bunch of situations, but I’m finding it rewarding to minimise those attachments and simply redouble my efforts toward those things with which I’m a bit more compatible. It makes sense, but it can be so hard to see that sensibility when in the thick of it, eh?

  2. Good to hear the migraine went away quickly! And that things are looking up in the long run, too. A lot of the time, simply changing the way you think can do a lot to make things easier, I’ve found.

    Stories, though? Neato 🙂 Anything finished yet?

  3. susandeer says:

    *snug* It’s been a bumpy road. I think we’re gonna be ok.

    Oh, speaking of the dentist, I had the cleanest fangs of the day. Go me! Though apparently I drool like a dog in a meat market. She about had to leave the vacuum hook in my mouth the whole time. It makes you wonder if this is a talent I could use for financial gain. Perhaps I shouldn’t be daydreaming about Sue so much….

    *smirk* What was that thing that came in packaging marked as being in donated, human saliva? I think I see a viable connection here!

  4. Stories.

    I must read them.

    That is all.

  5. dnapalmhead says:

    ^__________^

    There’s so much history to this post, obviously–but since I can’t begin to know how it all must feel for you, I’ll just leave this instead.

    And boo, migraines! Shoo, shoo!

    And hey, nothing like having the bed you want under you the moment you really, really need it. 😀

  6. Phil says:

    No kidding. Bed can be great.

    And don’t worry about history emo, it’s emo. 🙂

    I think I have an idea for a growth series for Bennie I should share with you.

    Still wanna write something for you. Hrmm.

  7. dnapalmhead says:

    Shoot, a growth series? 😀 *hops* Share as you see fit!

    And hey, glad you’re feeling better, too! Bed-rest, quiet, and growy thoughts. Works every time!

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